Greetings my friend,
Spring is here and it is glorious. First comes the nice weather and then next we have the birds and the bees. Spring is notoriously known as the season of hookups. All the animals; from the nutty squirrels in Montebello Park, to the midtown house-cats that sing loudly into the night, to the shivering students lined up outside The Chili Pepper, we all just want to get laid.
Unfortunately, spring is also legendary for another reason: ‘tis the season of break ups. After staying cozy, fat, and warm together through the winter months, spring creates a sudden longing in our loins. This longing is fuelled by regular sunshine, longer days, and the fact that everyone is wearing just a little less clothing. If you’re in a strong, healthy relationship and you gracefully march through the spring without a care in the world, lucky you. But, if you’ve recently had your heart crushed or your romantic life has exploded, then you’ve come to the right place. You may not know this about me, but I (Lily Hush) am The Queen of Breakups and I am here to talk you through this tumultuous and shitty time.
LILY’S FIVE STAGES OF A BREAK UP
THE 2016 BRITNEY SPEARS STAGE
This stage could easily be called The 1995 Hugh Grant Stage or The 2001 Robert Downey Jr. Stage but you get the picture.
This stage is all about self destruction and it usually takes place quickly after the initial break but, don’t be mistaken, it has been known to rear its ugly head many moons after the fact. This stage is basically the time to pick your poison. If you’re anything like me then you drink all of the whiskey and all the jägermeister. But, maybe you’d prefer to gorge yourself on a tray sized XXX pizza from Bella Noella’s or an entire box (3 boxes) of Beechwood Donuts. At the end of the awful day, it’s really about your personal preference. My friend, Lydia, likes to self destruct by repeatedly calling or texting her ex. It’s mortifying to witness and when it doesn’t work, she pursues them on all other forms of social media. She obviously regrets this behaviour and thus begins the shame-spiral known as self destruction. A quick note about this stage: it shouldn’t last very long and it’s important to claw your way out of it, if necessary. Seriously though, don’t drink all the whiskey.
THE TOM HANKS STAGE
This stage could easily be called The Julia Roberts Stage or, oddly enough, The Hugh Grant Stage. This stage is all about making yourself feel better by taking in the perfect amount of brain poison, also known as romantic comedies. You eat ice cream, mouth the words, and cry to You’ve Got Mail, Pretty Woman, Dirty Dancing, Notting Hill etc. etc. This doesn’t necessarily make you feel better but it can give you a tiny glimmer of hope that maybe one day, you’ll be just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her, again. It’s a cheesy and stereotypical comfort but it’s certainly a necessary breakup step. A quick note about this stage: don’t advertise this stage too much, your friends won’t truly understand unless their in it with you. When this stage ends, promptly delete these titles from your search history, along with Riverdale, the new episodes of Full House, and anything related to Fifty Shades of Grey.
THE KILL BILL STAGE
This stage could easily be called The Rage Stage or The Fuck You Stage but I like to call it The Kill Bill Stage because when I terrorized my way through this particular breakup stage, I watched Kill Bill almost everyday. This stage is all about the anger. When I wasn’t watching incredibly violent TV and movies, I was researching Underdogs Boxing Club and local axe throwing venues. I saw angry metal bands play at The Warehouse and I cursed far more than ever before, which I never thought was possible. A quick note about this stage: careful not to let this newfound and thrilling anger spill out onto your close friends and family. That’s a good way to land yourself right back in The 2006 Britney Spears Stage and no one wants that.
THE TOM HARDY STAGE
This stage could easily be called The Christina Hendricks Stage or The Tom Hiddleston Stage, it just has to be hot, hot, hot. In this breakup stage, EVERYONE is sexually appealing to you, everyone is Tom Hardy. While flirting my way through this stage, I once whispered “Yum” at an aging, white-haired gentleman who ripped my ticket at a the local movie theatre. Old guys really aren’t my type but apparently that guy was. When my friend, Simon, went through this stage he had to stop watching Bob’s Burgers because the character of Linda was turning him on far too much. A quick note about this stage: if you’re going through The Tom Hardy Stage and it’s also spring, I can’t help you. No one can.
THE NIKKI MINAJ STAGE
This stage could easily be called The Kanye West Stage or The Cardi B stage, whatever takes your regular, boring step to a full-on strut. This stage is all about your self confidence and no longer giving a fuck. Suddenly you’re more badass than ever before, people ask you why you look so stern and you say things like, “that’s just my face” or “that’s just who I am now.” You’ve got a new edge and it’s empowering. Others become more attracted to your sudden surge of self confidence; you’re nice enough but you’ll still throw shade like it’s sunny. A quick note about this stage: embrace this feeling, have fun but don’t be an asshole. You’re not actually Kanye West so just relax.
Whether you’re single, taken or it’s complicated: I’m rooting for you.
Until Next Time,
STC is a monthly dating column that centers around the fictional character, Lily Hush. STC is based on real-life accounts from those of us living and loving in the Niagara Region.