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Single Taken Complicated: November

Hello my pretties,

Lily Hush here, I expect you enjoyed your Halloween. I hope you didn’t wake up to some sort of politically incorrect and/or culturally insensitive one night stand, but instead hooked up with the customary witch or goblin that you’re used to. It’s important to choose the lesser of the evils on nights like Halloween. You know, for your own sanity and self preservation.

Side note: this is also true for such days as New Year’s Eve, your birthday and Wednesday nights at The Mansion House.

Now we enter November, the month of the year that has the least amount of personality. To add insult to injury I’m here and ready to discuss the greatest of all conundrums, how do you get over someone? My friend (let’s call her Keri) asked me this recently while she fought back tears, avoided direct eye contact and sipped her IPA much faster than normal. There was no easy response to this question and I suddenly got lost in my own thoughts while I reflected on all of the unhealthy ways I have dealt with this very issue in the past:

1. Text them in the middle of the night, tell them how much of an asshole they are for not liking you back and don’t forget to mention how you obviously don’t even care anymore.

2. Listen to the saddest music you can find and turn it all the way up in your headphones while you lip sync the words to every song and slowly go deaf. Repeat this ritual every night until you fall asleep on your couch, again.

3. Drink all of the whiskey in the city to numb the pain, flirt with someone else that you don’t really like, go home alone by choice and then promptly see option 1.

4. Eat an entire pizza to yourself while watching When Harry Met Sally on repeat and yell things like, “THIS IS PROPAGANDA!” at the television.

5. Make plans with a bunch of strangers on an online dating app only to cancel last minute. Afterwards, delete and then reinstall your online dating profile three times in one week.

I know what you’re thinking, “Lily, you can’t be serious. This is horrible and questionable advice.” You’re right, of course. Just reading this list out loud is causing me a full on shame-spiral. I don’t condone any of these actions (except for maybe number 4) and I should probably reiterate that this is not sage advice, but rather a list of what-not-to-dos.

In pursuit of actual advice for this difficult quandary, I began to ask around. My favourite bartender had the usual response, “the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.” Then he laughed and grinned at me in a cheeky way that made me think that maybe he thought he made that up – for the record, he didn’t. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and asked him if that had ever actually worked and his response surprised me, “Yeah it works, for like 3-5 minutes.” I tried not to get distracted by his lackluster sexual life and began to agree with his sentiment. Sure, sexually pursuing someone else could be a great distraction, but if you’re anything like me and my bartender friend then you know that the 3-5 minutes of bliss can, at times, be quickly followed by guilt and regret. This could inevitably leave you feeling worse off than you did prior to said encounter. At this vulnerable time don’t open yourself up to further pain. Unless you’re a sucker for punishment then you just do you, honey.

Many people I spoke with about this common issue believed a similar strategy. My coworker was completely convinced that it’s important to move on, even if you feel like you’re not ready. However, I can’t help but think about the poor souls you’re essentially using in the process. In my experience, when you’re heartbroken it is far too easy to be reckless with other people’s feelings and this insensitive oversight will almost always come back to bite you in the ass. In times of heartbreak and\or unrequited love, it’s important to be gentle with yourself and with others.

At the end of the day, I suppose the anticipated advice is always the best: time is the only way to get over someone. Just don’t let it consume you forever, ok?

There are only two things in this life that you’ll never get back: text messages from the person you like and time.

Whether you’re single, taken or it’s complicated: I’m rooting for you.

Until Next Time,
Lily Hush

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