I thought I was safe and sound. I thought I was in the clear. I had somehow successfully survived the holidays as a single person. This is a feat you must live to truly believe. It is, without a doubt, a bloody minefield of sticky situations and uncomfortable explanations. But, I did it. I smiled and laughed at all the appropriate times. I expertly dodged any and all of the inevitable and all-too-personal questions. And I even, with great difficulty, moderated my wine intake, which is a request my mother makes of me every year. I did all of this and I only cried once. It is a personal achievement that I will fondly recall for many awkward Christmases to come.
Then the new year came. I managed to spend New Year’s Eve alone, which I still believe was obviously a gift from the good God above. Wow, don’t I sound like an asshole? Don’t get me wrong, I love my friends and maybe I should have thrown on my plaid shirt and swung by The Merch or said hello to the girls at Kaz’s or got blackout at The Mansion but, to be perfectly frank, I didn’t want to do those things. One of the rights of being a single person is that you may do whatever you want, whenever the hell you want. Up to and including New Year’s Eve. More accurately though, I was afraid someone might try to kiss me at midnight and the fallout of that possibility makes me nervous. I assume it probably ends with me having to apologize for some awkward reason or another. So I skipped it and rang in the new year drinking Grapefruit Perrier and singing “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad” at the top of my lungs. My upstairs neighbour surely hates me and I’m oddly okay with it.
If the months of the year were meals, January would be a shit sandwich. It’s depressing, dark and never-ending. It’s a real nice fuck-you right after all the warm and fuzzies you procured during the holiday season. January brings out the worst in all of us, everyone wants to stay in and eat their feelings or wear their pyjamas to the back bar of The Mikado and drink cheap bottles of Export. If you’re single like I am then you know that it’s next to impossible to get laid during this time of year. Meanwhile, the happy couples are at home, warm in their beds doing gross things like working on puzzles together or reading passages of Nicholas Sparks’ novels aloud to one another. Forgive me, it’s been a while since I’ve dated, that’s still what couples do, right? Maybe not.
So we’ve made it through January and I begin to think I’m safe and sound, that I’m in the clear. Then I remember that February comes after January and February is a chocolate-covered-turd for two reasons:
1) It’s a short month so as soon as you finish paying your bills, you have to turn around and pay them all again.
2) Valentine’s Day
Ugh. There it is, right smack in the middle of an already crappy excuse for a month. I cringe at the very thought like a vampire standing uncomfortably close to a bay window. “And you thought being single during the holidays would be bad,” life says while hysterically laughing in your face, “have fun with Valentine’s Day, you giant loser!” Life’s a bitch. Being single on Valentine’s Day is enough to make you want to cause your own mini massacre. I’m not going to list the reasons why I hate this day, even I know that would be a tad stereotypical. A single female who owns a cat and hates Valentine’s Day? It’s all just so original. No, instead I’m going to help out all the singles in Niagara and discuss what we can do to gracefully and tactfully survive February 14th 2018. I’ve compiled some real gems here so I hope you’re all as excited as I am.
— Chug a bunch of craft beer, go on the giant ferris wheel in The Falls and try not to puke while your jerk friend shakes the pod when you reach the top.
— Eat one of those giant hot dogs at Kully’s while yelling indistinguishably at all the televisions.
— It’s also Ash Wednesday, you could go to church. There’s a bunch of churches on that one street in downtown St. Catharines, I can’t remember the name of it.
— Purchase the entire inventory of Hometown Ice Cream and consume it all in the dark while binge watching Riverdale. You’ll love the show and then hate yourself for loving it.
– crank up the 97.7 and speed down the Q E DUB leaving the entire region in your dust.
I think I’m going to do all five and I hope you do too. At least we have St. Patrick’s Day to look forward to. Now that’s a day made for singles and in my experience, a day that can very quickly make you single.
Whether you’re single, taken or it’s complicated: I’m rooting for you.
Until Next Time,
STC is a monthly dating column that centers around the fictional character, Lily Hush. STC is based on real-life accounts from those of us living and loving in the Niagara Region.